Just recently I was reminded that my birthday was coming up. (Thank you Facebook😑) And that I should plan a party. Well…at first I thought, ohh maybe somebody will throw me a surprise party, you know since I’m turning a quarter of a century old. (25) But then I gots to thinking… Dang I’m going to be 25. A QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD!! It didn’t seem as exciting as I originally thought.
Then I gots a little more thinking done and…I wondered, have i accomplished everything that I wanted to accomplish? Have I done the things I wanted to do? Have I completed some of the things on my bucket list? Has my bucket list change since I started it? Most likely yes.
Okay, I’m gonna get a little personal here and normally I do not do this. Like at ALL. But I gotta get this off my chest. I do. And this is coming from my personal opinion and goals that I set myself when I was younger…By the age of 25, I would’ve wanted to have a child. And now that I’m coming up to 25 in less than a month, I’m terrified. I’m terrified of turning 25.
**I do not think that every woman should have this timeline or goals like this.** my issues lol.
For the past 9 months or so, my husband and I having been trying to conceive. And it hasn’t been panning out. And as a woman, because honestly men don’t get it. IT IS TOUGH…meaning STRESSFUL. They say don’t worry about it, don’t stress out and just relax and it’ll happen. Umm…no. Try not stressing out when there’s a chance you can not have children. I know you can adopt and have a surrogate. BUT ITS NOT THE SAME! No matter what, it is not for me.
After a couple months of trying and to no result and one month being weird, I headed to the doctors. I was referred to a fertility specialist. (Btw I was definitely stressing because of the “weirdness” of that month) I don’t want to say what the weirdness is because then it’s too TMI. Lol. I made the appointment. *Was told by my doctor that my insurance should cover everything. And then when I make the appointment, the receptionist suggested I should call my insurance to verify. Already, I was very optimistic of have a fertility appointment because finally I get to find out what the heck is going on. Well, low and behold. Another disappointment! My insurance does not cover fertility specialist! GREAT! AWESOME! <—thats sarcasm by the way.
So for the past months I’ve been calendering and testing like a maniac. But I’m really trying to not stress out. But how can you? Really?! When my biggest dream, since I was a little girl, was to have a child. To be a mother. To experience pregnancy. How can I not stress out when my biggest fear may be a reality?
I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. And honestly I hate it! I get envious of pregnant women walking. And I really do not like to be envious. It’s awful. Jealously is not a feeling I like to have. But it’s my reaction When I see a mother and her child. Or I see another pregnancy announcement on social media. Or see another woman have a second or third child and I can’t have one. It’s heartbreaking because I think, what is it that they are doing that I’m not? Or what is it that they have that I don’t? Why them and NOT ME?? All of these emotions coursing through me that I do not want to feel. Anger. Jealously. Sadness. How do I find peace?
I don’t write about my faith a lot (or even at all) I’m more of a shower then talker when it comes to my faith. I rather you see the light of Him in me then me explain it to you.
These past months have been a struggle spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I’ve drifted away from the path.
I’m still struggling. I’m not perfect and I never will be, I know that. But dang is this hard…
Ok, I think that’s the end of my rant.